he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
