I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
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