you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
