In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Is Oprah even human
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
