hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
