If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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