Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
