I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
