My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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