I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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