why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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