I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I could make wine with my vomit
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize
