ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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