Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
