Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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