2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I think I just sharted jello shots
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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