I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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