So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
my liver is dry heaving
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
