real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize