Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
