apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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