There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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