dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
