Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
