Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
