I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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