Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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