Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
