Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
