Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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