FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
