haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
