someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
