with your own penis?
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize