I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
