he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
