I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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