Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
