i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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