I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
