Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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