i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
What drink are we having for lunch?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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