Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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