I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
two words...techno handjob
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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