I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
