I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
