We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize