i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
