Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
