i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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