before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Randomize
