Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
