Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
