The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
