He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
he thought i was a dude.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
