Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
